The 5 top tips and tricks for surviving a nuclear holocaust

With all the rhetoric, saber-rattling and bombastic threats of devastating war these days, you wouldn’t be a fool for thinking there is a very real risk you could cross paths with a mother-of-all nuclear bombs – headed your way courtesy of some crazy f*&^ing dictator.

So if you find yourself constantly thinking up a survival plan but never getting around to it, and you’re caught up with more important things in life than preparing for a nuclear apocalypse, then give these simple tips and tricks a try the next time you have the pleasure of meeting up with an atomic missile.

Dig a bunker

This is probably your most critical preparations for survival. So get digging that bunker and don’t do a half-arsed job at it. Make it big! And make it comfy! There’s no telling how long you’ll be cooped up in that thing after the shockwave of a nuclear explosion has passed and left a shitload of dangerous radioactive fallout around the place.

Gather communication supplies

You’ll need quality functioning comms equipment to stay in touch with the outside world. But more importantly, you’ll need your mobile devices to stay connected with your social media. Don’t leave your Facebook friends hanging. Post your daily selfies so your friends can follow your life story too. Also make sure you get satellite connection, but if you can’t don’t panic. Just find a telecoms company that provides good network coverage in times of nuclear war. Shop around. Last we heard there were a few “nuke bomb” specials on offer.

Stock up on non-perishable food and water

You’ll have to come to terms with the fact that Dominoes is unlikely to deliver hot and tasty pizza to your bunker door during a nuclear cataclysm. You’ll need to stock up on lots of non-perishable foods and water to survive your underground stay. Some beer and whisky won’t go wasted either, always good for a little cheer when your city has just been flattened by a 20 kiloton nuclear explosion.

Stock up on medical supplies

Statistics show most unwanted pregnancies happen during times of severe weather events or war when people are confined to their homes. So it’s essential you take your contraception. Should you survive the nuclear holocaust you won’t want to battle the fallout of an unintended pregnancy for the rest of your life. Toiletries and a first aid kit is also a good idea to have on hand in case of any mishaps.

Stock up on firearms and ammo

Don’t underestimate the importance of firearms and ammo. In fact, these will be some of the most useful supplies you take with you to the bunker. Besides giving you effective pest control against a swarm of deadly funnel web spiders and brown snakes sure to converge on your comfy dugout to escape the devastation, you’ll need a good supply of firearm weapons to defend you and your family against the zombie apocalypse that’s certain to follow. Beware these hideous creatures, who much like the mobs you see in Parliament House, won’t stop until they’ve sucked your every last drop of blood. So take a hint from those who’ve fought against some of the most barbaric and bloodthirsty foes: Shoot first, explain later.

Good luck.